ten more days

Its not my birthday - yet.
Ten more days.
Just had a quick thought about birthdays as you get older -

I think the last special birthday you have is 18.
When you're 18 its the "Congratulations on Adulthood" followed by:
"Now fuck off and go get a real job in the real world"

But there's nothing real about the world here -
Our wants and desires are created by the television
Our relationships are formed by the ones we see around us
And the things we do are all based around the things we covet on a daily basis..

So while I go into this new real world
I feel like I don't have anymore time to decide if I want to continue with this or not
People see it as two options
But I see it as only one


ten more days

justification

We think of other reasons to justify other peoples choices

Shit, even our own choices

-But why do we create these reasons?

Why must we produce a veil to shroud over reality?

That is one of the many troubling questions I cant seem to find the answer to

- And I dont think I ever will, So I have to live knowing that

No Surprises

Its always enlightening to see who is actually there for you - especially when you're in a situation where you need some help.

"Oh I'm just so busy with work"
"Oh I just don't have the time right now"
"Oh no, I'm busy that day"

"Oh"
And its not like you fucking re-schedule to make a plan, ie: "How about Tuesday?"
Its just a flat out no. No compromises. No surprises.

We used to be best friends. And now you're the best person to go to when I need to be reminded how distanced everyone is. Where are the people I used to call my friends? I can't see them anymore. I cant hear them either.

What the fuck is up with that?
As soon as high school is over everyone disappears?
Yeah I didn't go off to school right after and meet a whole bunch of new people..
Even if I fucking did, I wouldn't forget the people who made me laugh, drink, and make a few bad choices.

It seems that everyone I meet now a days have a whole different vibe about making friends.
Its not "lets exchange numbers and meet up soon!" its "Nice meeting you, have a good night!"
No one stays in touch anymore, or branches out to start some new friendships.
Is it because polite-ness may be perceived as flirting or being "creepy?"

Or is it because in the end they know its not worth it, because they've seen it all, done it all - and there are really no more surprises in store? Just knowing a friendship is too hard to maintain?
I'm not a fucking cat. I don't need cat treats or cat toys. (Maybe some cat-nip though..)

Synthesis

noun - combination of two or more entities that together form something new.

The Art of Cinema

Now I never thought I would have anything in common with Kim Jong Il, the past dictator of North Korea.
But alas, I do. That similarity happens to be the love for Cinema.
With owning over 20,000 movie titles, his favorites were: Elizabeth Taylor, Godzilla, and Friday the 13th's Jason.

In 1978, on Kim's orders, South Korean film director Shin Sang-Ok and his actress wife Choi Eun-hee were kidnapped in order to build a North Korean film industry.There was no fucking around with Kim. He loved his cinema. And hopefully that is the only similarity that the crazy dictator and I will ever share.


Can we really remember the first movie we ever watched?
No. My mom doesn't either.
But I assume it was a Disney movie. Those were the first I watched anyways.
The Disney franchise grew with us along with popular titles:
Aladdin, The Little Mermaid, The Lion King, & many others.
These movies grew with us, and its a movie franchise that will probably be passed down to our kids.
Think about it - almost all children watch the same movies that we watched as children.
(Aside from those under strict religious teaching, or households with no TVs in other parts of the world)
 Its something so much bigger than a VHS tape you pop into the VCR and quickly fast forward the cheesy 90s advertisements.


Its also apart of growing up - we watch certain movies that our parents watched when we reach a certain age. I remember being 12 and allowed to watch "The Shining" - reaching a certain milestone in life and being able to watch other movies that are carried along. Its much bigger than just a movie - its apart of our culture and our lives.

Kim Jong Il was so passionate about the art to kidnap two citizens of South Korea out of his love for it.
Stunt people risk their lives for it, people spend years perfecting the directing and filming and editing for it.
I could go on forever about cinema but its 4 in the morning and I should really stop now.

Continuing On

I apologize for the strange post last night. Sleep deprivation + wine = a very weird blog post.



Continuing on..

I noticed looking upon my blog homepage today that I have someone who actually visits this thing - so to that one person lurking my very sad* blog, how do you do?


*sad as in I only have like 3 posts in a span of a year.


Continuing on..

I wanted to get something out of my system briefly -
I'm not doing this to insult this person or to degrade them, although it may or may not be fair to do considering the past circumstances.

Edit: After reading the post beyond this point, it seems really cruel and mean.
These are my raw feelings and this needs to come out somewhere.
That somewhere is here.


You continue to try to reach me, to speak to me, and to guilt me into responding.
I feel terribly sorry for you. I wish I could help you. I tried until I couldn't.

I sat up many nights, a mess. You asked why I couldn't sleep - and I told you I just wasn't tired.
But I lied. I was so incredibly tired of how I was treated that I entered a comatose state of numbness.
I resent the amount of time I spent trying to work it out. I knew I would fail. And I did.

I should have ended it way before I did.

Everyday was a new insult, or the same old ones.
Bitch, Annoying, Slut..
I drew the line at slut. I know I can be a bitch and I can be annoying.. but slut is one thing I am not.

How could you look me in the face and say you loved me when all you did was break me down till I was nothing but a puppet for you to play with?

In the last few days I've been shown that I, nor anyone should ever deserve your treatment.
In the last few days I've been so happy. (Something I didn't think was ever possible).
In the last few days I've adapted a sense of hope that i'm not so fucked up and that someone can appreciate all the things that you couldn't.


I feel nothing for you. You've hurt me so much that you don't exist to me anymore. So now I'm going to be..

Continuing on.

only one more

I can see the sunshine from the window in my room, its early.
I can't sleep anymore because all I do is think.
This is now 48 hours without sleep.

I keep telling myself only one more episode of Dexter
Only one more

I tell myself that a lot.

Cookies?
Only one more.

I swear this is the last time.
Only one more.

Can I kiss you?
Only one more.

Last chance.
Only one more.

The Life of A Cynic

cyn·ic  

/ˈsinik/

Noun A person who believes that people are motivated purely by self-interest rather than acting for honorable or unselfish reasons. A person who questions whether something will happen or is worthwhile. I was referred to as a cynic constantly during a disastrous relationship (one of those relationships where the shit fan is just blowing for way too long) and at first I saw it as a bad thing - but then later maybe perhaps the only thing he was right about (yeah I went there) - was my classification as a cynic. I'm sorry to say (really, I am) - but most people are motivated by self interest. Life is fueled with incentives for individuals who choose to take them. For those bleeding hearts out there that truly believe there are good people who volunteer solely because they want to help others... No. Some of these people do it to feed their needs of knowing that they are a good person, and to feel good about what they are doing. That's self interest, bottom line. Mom is going to take the kids to the park to play - not only because her child will have fun on the jungle gym (which is an insurance claim waiting to happen) - but because she wants to read her book and have some quiet time, or scroll through her facebook posts on her smartphone. Or simply because Jimmy has ADHD and since its not socially acceptable for mom to drink at 7am, she'll take him to the park instead. Your friend asks for a favor that doesn't regard you gaining anything from that specific task. But in return you gain a more solid friendship - and you also gain a token to ask them for some help later. Quid Pro Quo. Synonyms: Cynical, Pessimistic, Sarcastic, Satirical Cynical suggests a disbelief in the sincerity of human motives Pessimistic implies a more or less a habitual disposition to look on the dark side of things, and to believe that the worst will happen.Sarcastic refers to sneering or making cutting jibes (hand jives anyone?)Satirical suggests expressing scorn or ridicule by saying the opposite of what ones means Antonyms:Optimistic Optimism is for suckers. Lets all live in a fairy tale world where pain isn't real, fate is bound with that of a story book binding, and everyone has the best intentions. Sorry for all of you who still believe in Santa Claus, but people can be cruel, horrid, and ugly. I'm sure we can reflect on a time when we ourselves have been cruel, horrid, and ugly. Thats the keyword here: "can". It seems like its all a choice, isnt it? We can choose to be good or bad (according to societal norms, naturally) - but what are we deep down inside? (Cue the inception reference).  I try to be optimistic and hope that people are naturally good, and are strayed by the paths of evil (if chocolate is sinful, you can probably guess which path i'm on). I also try to be optimistic and hope that people actually enjoy my company and my mom isn't paying off people secretly to keep me out of the house. I think deep down inside people have the optimism to keep the dreams of being loved and being happy alive. Lets face it, we're all suckers.

Disappointed

The title says it all. Disappointed. Had plans today that fell apart. Hahaha sounds like my life.
I care about someone who forgets I exist until he finds it convenient to remember me.. same scenario for my friends. Why do we let people walk all over us? Why do we insist on playing the nice card, and being doormats?

I have this whole complex about wanting to be nice. Maybe because I know that I can be a really mean person - that I don't want anyone else seeing that side of me. Maybe in hoping that they will see how nice I am and turn around and treat me fairly.. Or maybe because being hurt is the only way I can feel again.

Fucked up little cycle - is it not?

Why do people annoy me so? I don't know whether I feel like bursting into a sea of tears, or closing my laptop with excess force and never wanting to use social media again.

Whats it like to have someone actually care? It feels so foreign to me. I don't have God either - some people have this close companionship with God, and its something that I never understood nor justified.
For other people I think its great that they can find a friend in Jesus, or whatever God they believe in. I respect their religion and whatnot and so forth, but I can't justify myself believing in such a thing. I'd like to believe there is this being in the sky, watching us, protecting us... but we wouldn't feel this way if such a thing existed. I'm disappointed in the beings on earth. I'm disappointed with a lot of things in my life. My heart is tightening up.

So if I cant have companionship with beings real or fictional, what do I have left to turn to?
I'm so tired of being disappointed. I always come through for everyone.. always..

Who is going to come through for me?
Why do I need to be saved?
Can I be my own superhero and save myself?

All great things have a start. I think.

This started out of pure anger. I decided that I rather not waste my journal paper - and put it on the internet in all its glory. So.. why am I angry? Oh yes...

I came home late from a party, and couldn't sleep. I am a top notch insomniac. I had some coffee at about 6am, and decided that I would be really spiffy and create a bedazzling breakfast.

This breakfast consisted of..

1) Waffles 2) French Toast 3) Coffee 4) An Apple Swan.

YES. I made a S W A N out of an APPLE people. Seriously.

At 7am, (My mother is usually awake at 6 might I add..)

I go into my moms room, and exclaim that I am making her breakfast.
She rolls over and says "Go back to bed"
As the sweet smell of cinnamon and french toast goodness stroll into the room.. nothing.
I even say.. "But.. I made you a swan out of an apple"..
Nothing.
All that hard work.... for nothing.
It feels really good to do something for someone - not expecting anything but a tad bit appreciation.
Can't even receive that.


So.. I left it sitting in her room so she could smell it (and deal with it in the morning when that ungrateful beast decides to wake up).
So she'll feel terrible when she realizes that I actually made something decent.

In other words.. rot in hell. in breakfast hell.