ten more days

Its not my birthday - yet.
Ten more days.
Just had a quick thought about birthdays as you get older -

I think the last special birthday you have is 18.
When you're 18 its the "Congratulations on Adulthood" followed by:
"Now fuck off and go get a real job in the real world"

But there's nothing real about the world here -
Our wants and desires are created by the television
Our relationships are formed by the ones we see around us
And the things we do are all based around the things we covet on a daily basis..

So while I go into this new real world
I feel like I don't have anymore time to decide if I want to continue with this or not
People see it as two options
But I see it as only one


ten more days

justification

We think of other reasons to justify other peoples choices

Shit, even our own choices

-But why do we create these reasons?

Why must we produce a veil to shroud over reality?

That is one of the many troubling questions I cant seem to find the answer to

- And I dont think I ever will, So I have to live knowing that

No Surprises

Its always enlightening to see who is actually there for you - especially when you're in a situation where you need some help.

"Oh I'm just so busy with work"
"Oh I just don't have the time right now"
"Oh no, I'm busy that day"

"Oh"
And its not like you fucking re-schedule to make a plan, ie: "How about Tuesday?"
Its just a flat out no. No compromises. No surprises.

We used to be best friends. And now you're the best person to go to when I need to be reminded how distanced everyone is. Where are the people I used to call my friends? I can't see them anymore. I cant hear them either.

What the fuck is up with that?
As soon as high school is over everyone disappears?
Yeah I didn't go off to school right after and meet a whole bunch of new people..
Even if I fucking did, I wouldn't forget the people who made me laugh, drink, and make a few bad choices.

It seems that everyone I meet now a days have a whole different vibe about making friends.
Its not "lets exchange numbers and meet up soon!" its "Nice meeting you, have a good night!"
No one stays in touch anymore, or branches out to start some new friendships.
Is it because polite-ness may be perceived as flirting or being "creepy?"

Or is it because in the end they know its not worth it, because they've seen it all, done it all - and there are really no more surprises in store? Just knowing a friendship is too hard to maintain?
I'm not a fucking cat. I don't need cat treats or cat toys. (Maybe some cat-nip though..)

Synthesis

noun - combination of two or more entities that together form something new.

The Art of Cinema

Now I never thought I would have anything in common with Kim Jong Il, the past dictator of North Korea.
But alas, I do. That similarity happens to be the love for Cinema.
With owning over 20,000 movie titles, his favorites were: Elizabeth Taylor, Godzilla, and Friday the 13th's Jason.

In 1978, on Kim's orders, South Korean film director Shin Sang-Ok and his actress wife Choi Eun-hee were kidnapped in order to build a North Korean film industry.There was no fucking around with Kim. He loved his cinema. And hopefully that is the only similarity that the crazy dictator and I will ever share.


Can we really remember the first movie we ever watched?
No. My mom doesn't either.
But I assume it was a Disney movie. Those were the first I watched anyways.
The Disney franchise grew with us along with popular titles:
Aladdin, The Little Mermaid, The Lion King, & many others.
These movies grew with us, and its a movie franchise that will probably be passed down to our kids.
Think about it - almost all children watch the same movies that we watched as children.
(Aside from those under strict religious teaching, or households with no TVs in other parts of the world)
 Its something so much bigger than a VHS tape you pop into the VCR and quickly fast forward the cheesy 90s advertisements.


Its also apart of growing up - we watch certain movies that our parents watched when we reach a certain age. I remember being 12 and allowed to watch "The Shining" - reaching a certain milestone in life and being able to watch other movies that are carried along. Its much bigger than just a movie - its apart of our culture and our lives.

Kim Jong Il was so passionate about the art to kidnap two citizens of South Korea out of his love for it.
Stunt people risk their lives for it, people spend years perfecting the directing and filming and editing for it.
I could go on forever about cinema but its 4 in the morning and I should really stop now.

Continuing On

I apologize for the strange post last night. Sleep deprivation + wine = a very weird blog post.



Continuing on..

I noticed looking upon my blog homepage today that I have someone who actually visits this thing - so to that one person lurking my very sad* blog, how do you do?


*sad as in I only have like 3 posts in a span of a year.


Continuing on..

I wanted to get something out of my system briefly -
I'm not doing this to insult this person or to degrade them, although it may or may not be fair to do considering the past circumstances.

Edit: After reading the post beyond this point, it seems really cruel and mean.
These are my raw feelings and this needs to come out somewhere.
That somewhere is here.


You continue to try to reach me, to speak to me, and to guilt me into responding.
I feel terribly sorry for you. I wish I could help you. I tried until I couldn't.

I sat up many nights, a mess. You asked why I couldn't sleep - and I told you I just wasn't tired.
But I lied. I was so incredibly tired of how I was treated that I entered a comatose state of numbness.
I resent the amount of time I spent trying to work it out. I knew I would fail. And I did.

I should have ended it way before I did.

Everyday was a new insult, or the same old ones.
Bitch, Annoying, Slut..
I drew the line at slut. I know I can be a bitch and I can be annoying.. but slut is one thing I am not.

How could you look me in the face and say you loved me when all you did was break me down till I was nothing but a puppet for you to play with?

In the last few days I've been shown that I, nor anyone should ever deserve your treatment.
In the last few days I've been so happy. (Something I didn't think was ever possible).
In the last few days I've adapted a sense of hope that i'm not so fucked up and that someone can appreciate all the things that you couldn't.


I feel nothing for you. You've hurt me so much that you don't exist to me anymore. So now I'm going to be..

Continuing on.

only one more

I can see the sunshine from the window in my room, its early.
I can't sleep anymore because all I do is think.
This is now 48 hours without sleep.

I keep telling myself only one more episode of Dexter
Only one more

I tell myself that a lot.

Cookies?
Only one more.

I swear this is the last time.
Only one more.

Can I kiss you?
Only one more.

Last chance.
Only one more.