Disappointed

The title says it all. Disappointed. Had plans today that fell apart. Hahaha sounds like my life.
I care about someone who forgets I exist until he finds it convenient to remember me.. same scenario for my friends. Why do we let people walk all over us? Why do we insist on playing the nice card, and being doormats?

I have this whole complex about wanting to be nice. Maybe because I know that I can be a really mean person - that I don't want anyone else seeing that side of me. Maybe in hoping that they will see how nice I am and turn around and treat me fairly.. Or maybe because being hurt is the only way I can feel again.

Fucked up little cycle - is it not?

Why do people annoy me so? I don't know whether I feel like bursting into a sea of tears, or closing my laptop with excess force and never wanting to use social media again.

Whats it like to have someone actually care? It feels so foreign to me. I don't have God either - some people have this close companionship with God, and its something that I never understood nor justified.
For other people I think its great that they can find a friend in Jesus, or whatever God they believe in. I respect their religion and whatnot and so forth, but I can't justify myself believing in such a thing. I'd like to believe there is this being in the sky, watching us, protecting us... but we wouldn't feel this way if such a thing existed. I'm disappointed in the beings on earth. I'm disappointed with a lot of things in my life. My heart is tightening up.

So if I cant have companionship with beings real or fictional, what do I have left to turn to?
I'm so tired of being disappointed. I always come through for everyone.. always..

Who is going to come through for me?
Why do I need to be saved?
Can I be my own superhero and save myself?

All great things have a start. I think.

This started out of pure anger. I decided that I rather not waste my journal paper - and put it on the internet in all its glory. So.. why am I angry? Oh yes...

I came home late from a party, and couldn't sleep. I am a top notch insomniac. I had some coffee at about 6am, and decided that I would be really spiffy and create a bedazzling breakfast.

This breakfast consisted of..

1) Waffles 2) French Toast 3) Coffee 4) An Apple Swan.

YES. I made a S W A N out of an APPLE people. Seriously.

At 7am, (My mother is usually awake at 6 might I add..)

I go into my moms room, and exclaim that I am making her breakfast.
She rolls over and says "Go back to bed"
As the sweet smell of cinnamon and french toast goodness stroll into the room.. nothing.
I even say.. "But.. I made you a swan out of an apple"..
Nothing.
All that hard work.... for nothing.
It feels really good to do something for someone - not expecting anything but a tad bit appreciation.
Can't even receive that.


So.. I left it sitting in her room so she could smell it (and deal with it in the morning when that ungrateful beast decides to wake up).
So she'll feel terrible when she realizes that I actually made something decent.

In other words.. rot in hell. in breakfast hell.