Disappointed

The title says it all. Disappointed. Had plans today that fell apart. Hahaha sounds like my life.
I care about someone who forgets I exist until he finds it convenient to remember me.. same scenario for my friends. Why do we let people walk all over us? Why do we insist on playing the nice card, and being doormats?

I have this whole complex about wanting to be nice. Maybe because I know that I can be a really mean person - that I don't want anyone else seeing that side of me. Maybe in hoping that they will see how nice I am and turn around and treat me fairly.. Or maybe because being hurt is the only way I can feel again.

Fucked up little cycle - is it not?

Why do people annoy me so? I don't know whether I feel like bursting into a sea of tears, or closing my laptop with excess force and never wanting to use social media again.

Whats it like to have someone actually care? It feels so foreign to me. I don't have God either - some people have this close companionship with God, and its something that I never understood nor justified.
For other people I think its great that they can find a friend in Jesus, or whatever God they believe in. I respect their religion and whatnot and so forth, but I can't justify myself believing in such a thing. I'd like to believe there is this being in the sky, watching us, protecting us... but we wouldn't feel this way if such a thing existed. I'm disappointed in the beings on earth. I'm disappointed with a lot of things in my life. My heart is tightening up.

So if I cant have companionship with beings real or fictional, what do I have left to turn to?
I'm so tired of being disappointed. I always come through for everyone.. always..

Who is going to come through for me?
Why do I need to be saved?
Can I be my own superhero and save myself?